


What We Do in Tadfield

by AetherBunny



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Documentaries, Drunken Shenanigans, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22655341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AetherBunny/pseuds/AetherBunny
Summary: A Good Omens parody fic a la What We Do in the Shadows.There are demons living together in a house in the English countryside. A documentary crew follows them around for a while and discovers MUCH more than they bargained for!This is an AU that’s hard to describe in a few words, but easy to understand in the course of the story!
Relationships: Anathema Device & Adam Young, Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Dagon (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device, Crowley & Madame Tracy (Good Omens), Hastur/Ligur (Good Omens), Sergeant Shadwell/Madame Tracy (Good Omens)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 82





	What We Do in Tadfield

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote this for a fanfiction contest for a local convention. I had about 9,000 words before finding out for the first time ever they were capping their entries at 4000 words! So I edited a copy down, and just wrote more on the master copy! This is the master copy! 
> 
> I DID win best in show at the con with the abridged version! I CAN post it, but honestly this one is much richer/has a better narrative!

_ [The following was a roughly edited transcript of a documentary film sent to various studios to gauge interest in its formal production and release. The subjects were initially four demons living in a house together in the Village of Tadfield in the UK. The scope of the documentary grew with their day to day interactions. It has been picked up for wide distribution along with a tandem fictionalized television mini-series of related events. BRACKETS denote documentary crew audio to potentially be removed in post production.] _

(Opening shot; A LIVING ROOM furnished and decorated by three or four distinct individuals with their own lack of design sense. DAGON sits on the couch facing the camera. She is rumpled but not dirty. It would not be amiss to describe her as ‘fish-faced” Iridescent scales dot her cheeks on upwards. She is serious, observant and clearly clever. She sits tactfully -up straight, hands in her lap- perhaps trying not to come off as intimidating.)

_ [So, ah, how did a group of demons come to be living in Tadfield?] _

(DAGON pauses, formulating an answer. She sucks her tongue against her numerous, narrow, pointed teeth.)

DAGON: One day Lucifer said why don't you get up there and cause some mischief. And as much as I don't want to say it, we took Crowley's initiative and got a house. It's easier that way. We can be more inconvenient more often. He thought it might be better to start living someplace quieter until we get used to living around humans. (DAGON shrugs.)

_ [And who is Crowley?] _

DAGON: He's another demon, he's been living topside since the garden of Eden. He's quite familiar with humanity, gone a little bit native if you know what I mean.

_ [Does he live here as well?] _

DAGON: Oh, no he's got his own flat. With his posh  _ boyfriend _ . He's just been helping us fit in better. (DAGON does not appear to like the boyfriend.)

_ [How long have the 4 of you been here?] _

DAGON: We've had 'Demon Manor' for 'bout 2 years, not a long time if you’re good as immortal

_ [So what do you do in hell?] _

DAGON: Me? I'm keeper of the files, master of torments. I do records mostly, making sure everybody gets what's coming to them.

_ [That seems important, who is covering for you?] _

DAGON: Nobody. I still have to do all that work. I just work from here. (There is a wet sounding crash from another room. DAGON looks right at the camera with the same tired expression as an underpaid preschool teacher.)

(CUT TO: A DIM BASEMENT, A pair of demons LIGUR and HASTUR, quintessential henchmen looking types. Practiced and professional lurkers. HASTUR, taller, thinner, sickly pale. What’s not pale skin is green patches, slick and viscus looking. They match the frog  _ on _ or maybe even  _ part of _ his head. He is far more nervous looking than LIGUR. LIGUR is stout, sturdy, dark skinned, and without his projected air of menace probably handsome. Nestled in his hair is a chameleon. So far we have not seen one without the other. Their direct relationship is still ambiguous, but LIGUR has put himself closer to the camera and checks on HASTUR often. They both are openly leery of the camera and crew.)

_ [I didn't know English houses had actual basements.] _

LIGUR: They don't usually. We made some renovations to suit our needs.

HASTUR: Dagon said I had to keep the pool downstairs. (HASTUR gestures, camera pans to a cheap plastic children's pool filled with slimy water and a couple of large rocks.)

_ [That's your pool?] _

HASTUR: Yeah. I get dried out sometimes. Never happened in hell. Happens all the time up here. Makes my skin itch. (The FROG on his head blinks and rubs an arm across it's eyes.)

_ [May we ask, what is the significance of the animals on your heads?] _

LIGUR: (As he talks his chameleon changes color, and his eyes to match.) I'm not sure. It's just something demons have you know? Well, you have one or become something like one. Or something? It’s not the most clear, we haven’t asked a lot of questions. What we know is, I've got my scaly little friend and Hastur his frog. Dagon can turn into a right massive eel, like an old fashioned sea monster. Caused a few shipwrecks in her day.

_ [Don't you have a fourth roommate? What about them?] _

HASTUR: Oh

HASTUR and LIGUR: (in unison) Beelzebub.

(CUT TO: A silent BEELZEBUB orbited by flies, slouched in a terrible armchair they no doubt got second hand. They are infinitely smaller than one would imagine when hearing their name, and on the small end of their housemates. Their androgyny is enough to make 80s rock stars jealous complete with a mop of hair reminiscent of Joan Jett’s. They stare at the crew member in charge of the questions, who does not feel particularly compelled to ask any of them.)

(CUT TO: DAGON She is willing to answer a few questions.)

_ [We'd like to double check all of you are on board with this. Beelzebub didn't seem too happy to see us.] _

DAGON: Oh, no. You're fine. You'd know if one of the most powerful demons in hell dislikes you. They're just not...the most talkative. They'll come ‘round, which you might regret actually.

(CUT BACK TO: BEELZEBUB who has decided to manifest a rash and several large boils across their face. They ignore the camera still in favor of the crew member in charge of questions. The CREW MEMBER swallows thickly.)

_ [We’ll catch up with you later then.] _

( A short montage of a curious but aloof BEELZEBUB underfoot of the film crew. They’re always in just the wrong place at the wrong time to trip somebody or startle them pretty badly. They're still not keen on answering any direct questions, and they’ve taken to cutting the camera off when they don’t feel like being filmed anymore. Most of it looks like it should go on an outtake reel. The DVD extras could include a longer  _ Bee-roll _ if the producer allows.)

(CUT TO: HASTUR and LIGUR attempting to sit on the same couch cushion more in each other’s laps than not. They're watching something on a dinged up tablet. It's a well known YouTube channel that investigates paranormal and true crime cases. They laugh as one of the hosts shrieks in absolute terror.)

LIGUR: Someday we want to be on that channel. We just need a place to haunt. The boss is on every cryptid channel! We can do it too!

HASTUR: Not enough abandoned places in Tadfield. And we don't want a long commute.

_ [The boss? Satan?] _

HASTUR: No, he hasn't got the time. Beelzebub.

_ [Oh, of course for possessions?] _

LIGUR: Yes and no. The Boss' got a great track record with theirs. But sometimes humans associate it with the wrong one of us. They don’t always know who they’re talking to, and they just pin it on whatever demon they can come up with first. Like you all do know Satan and Lucifer ARE two separate demons, right? I mean sometimes the truly daft ones just make one of us up. Never met a Zozo in my life.

HASTUR: But have you heard of Mothman?

_ [Are you going to tell us Beelzebub was Mothman?] _

HASTUR: We are.

LIGUR: We haven't lied about anything yet, and we're not lying now.

(Cut to HASTUR, LIGUR, and DAGON in the living room, they're chanting.)

ALL THREE: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

(Across the room BEELZEBUB is deeply unamused. The three continue to try to convince BEELZEBUB of something.)

BEELZEBUB: FINE! Fine I'll do it! (the other three cheer. BEELZEBUB stands, removes their jacket and hands it to DAGON.)

(BEELZEBUB themself -more awkwardly than Hollywood would lead you to believe- shifts into a fuzzy bug-like creature. Six-arms and all. They're not much taller than when human looking, but their absolutely massive wings give the optical illusion their body is taller. Setting their large eerie glowing red eyes at what would be the top of their chest. DAGON with uncharacteristic enthusiasm scoops up BEELZEBUB and nuzzles them like they were a beloved pet. BEELZEBUB chitters in annoyance and tries to wiggle away.)

(CUT TO DAGON’S ROOM: She has something actually recognizable as a bedroom. There is a bookshelf mostly filled with books, a desk and chair, and a couple of filing cabinets. She has an actual bed on a frame with an unusually high number of pillows. Like a lot of pillows. We’re  _ not _ going to ask about the pillows.)

DAGON: You've got to take the piss out of your friends once in a while. (She smiles) The bug is so cute, that's why it was only out at night or seen far away. People wouldn't be scared of them otherwise.

_ [They aren’t too scary in the light we agree, but eyes are still pretty creepy] _

DAGON: I haven’t noticed, I suppose they don’t really work on other demons?

(CUT TO BEELZEBUB’S ROOM: They have a vague resemblance to a bedroom. There is a mattress on the floor with an average amount of pillows and blankets. They also have a desk and a bookshelf but they’re not as well maintained. The bookshelf holds a random assortment of found objects including what appears to be a pair of mismatched mannequin hands. Their desk has a few plastic containers children would keep bugs and things in, with bugs and things in them. They bite off a bit of the apple their eating and place it on the desk for what we recognize as a cockroach.)

_ [A cockroach?] _

BEELZEBUB: Madagascar Hizzing – (they pause with a scowl, and correct their lisp) Hissing Cockroach. Easy to keep as pets.

_ [Interesting, uh, you must like bugs then?] _

(They take another bite of apple and look at the camera.)

_ [That was a silly question, sorry. Do you have any others?] _

BEELZEBUB: Just things I find in the garden, there isn’t a big variety out here in nowhere.

(it’s clear from here they’re not interested in talking any more but they don’t cut the camera themselves this time. Progress.)

(CUT TO THE LIVINGROOM: The household is quiet, there is daytime television on in the background. Nobody is paying attention. DAGON is reading a romance novel, BEELZEBUB is asleep on the couch head on DAGON’s thigh. HASTUR and LIGUR are seeing how many things they can stack on top of the sleeping demon. Very suddenly BEELZEBUB starts to rapidly smoke and eventually bursts into flame disappearing completely, nothing around them sustains any damage. The pile of things on top of them falls to the couch.)

DAGON: It's been a while since that happened. They're not going to be happy when they get back.

_ [What just happened?] _

LIGUR: Somebody summoned a demon.

HASTUR: And they got it right.

_ [Which means?] _

LIGUR: Right look, so say it's Solstice or Halloween or whatever. And you and all your little teenage hooligan friends want to give yourselves a fright. So you get your ouija board and head out to your local cemet’ry. Like the little idiots you are you decide you're going to summon a demon. You go through the whole rigamarole and down in hell a payphone rings.

_ [A payphone?] _

LIGUR: Yep, a payphone. We've got big banks of them. Give 'em a visual would'ja? (He nudges Hastur who leaves for a moment and returns with a pencil and paper. HASTUR draws, LIGUR continues.) Now, any passing demon with nothing better to do can answer the phone and ta-da you've summoned a demon. From there they're on their own. (HASTUR holds up a passable sketch of a long hallway of payphones.) That’s nice man, thanks.

HASTUR: Works for seances and Bloody Mary and whatnot too.

_ [Is that different than what happened here?] _

HASTUR: Lord Beelzebub is a very important demon, and well known even with humans. So sometimes they get summoned specifically.

LIGUR: Demons all have sigils, like names and if you know it, and get everything just right. You can summon a particular demon.

DAGON:  _ But _ it takes them away from whatever they were doing at the time. Hopefully Beelzebub won't wake up to a slumber party of mischievous teenagers. At least Satanic worshipers are usually pretty respectful.

(There is a sulphur smell and a loud bang, BEELZEBUB reappears looking more exasperated than usual.)

DAGON: What's it this time Boss?

BEELZEBUB: (Scrubs their face with their hands. Perhaps still not totally awake yet.) Uni hazing or some such. Lots of candles around cups of alcohol. I gave them a proper hazing for waking me, not likely to try it again.

(CUT TO: HASTUR AND LIGUR in the backyard of the house.)

HASTUR: I finally thought of a good place to haunt! We're going to go to check it out.

_ [Mind if we come along?] _

(HASTUR looks to LIGUR)

LIGUR: Nope. c'mon. Ah. you might need directions though. We can't take you with us this way. (LIGUR points downwards) Not in any way you'd like anyway.

HASTUR: Ask Crowley. He’ll know how to get there. See ya.

(HASTUR AND LIGUR disappear through the ground. Without telling the crew where they are going. After a phone call to Crowley we narrowed it down. The crew catches up to a sullen looking HASTUR, and LIGUR on the grounds of a large brick building.)

HASTUR: (increasingly upset) It was supposed to be burned down! Abandoned! I burned it myself! Drove all the nuns off! Just like I was supposed to!

LIGUR: (bear hugs HASTUR to settle him) S'alright, s'alright Mate. You know humans, they're like ants. They'll rebuild anything. We'll just keep looking.

VOICE OFF SCREEN: Excuse me, Excuse me could I help you? Oh!

(CUT TO MARY IN HER OFFICE. She's in her late 30s, crisp, professional, but quite friendly.)

_ [We're sorry, we were under the impression the building was going to be abandoned.] _

MARY: Oh, don't worry I'm not mad. Just a little surprised by it all.

_ [Could you tell us about this place? What interest it might hold to a pair of demons?] _

MARY: Certainly. Just over a decade ago now I suppose, this building used to be the cloister for the Chattering Order of St. Beryl.

_ [Nuns?] _

MARY: Satanic nuns! (MARY pauses to sip her tea with a conspiratorial smile)

_ [Satanic nuns? Really?] _

MARY: Very really. Rumor has it they were formed to facilitate the coming of the Antichrist to bring about the end of the world. But there was a mysterious fire that destroyed the convent. All the nuns scattered, all the records lost.

_ [Fascinating, how did you come to be in charge of the place?] _

MARY: Well I was young and fresh out of business school looking to make my own. So I bought the place cheap and fixed it up. Was a bit of trial and error, but now she's better than ever.

_ [You did all this?] _

MARY: I hired some professionals. But I watched, learned, helped, and now I can fix quite a bit on my own.

(CUT TO: A pleased looking HASTUR and LIGUR. Back on the building’s grounds.)

HASTUR: Mary said it would be alright if we were “volunteer groundskeepers.” We can show up in the off hours and keep our eyes on things.

LIGUR: And if we happen to frighten some people, so be it.

(CUT TO MARY)

MARY: I swear this isn't just to keep them out of my hair. If they're not being paid I can say I have no such groundskeepers on the books and not be lying. If they show up in the off hours I can justifiably claim I have no idea what they're up to. We've just agreed on some ground rules. I don't mind the extra publicity of course, and having ghost hunters come out eventually might be fun. Besides if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be running this place now anyway. (MARY gives another enigmatic smile)

_ [May we ask Mary, were YOU one of the Satanic nuns? You seem awfully un-phased by demons showing up to your place.] _

MARY: Don't be silly. Modern day Satanism is just secular humanism with a name specifically chosen to raise some ire. (She sips her tea again.)

(CUT TO: CROWLEY on camera at last. He’s skinny with artfully tousled hair, and walks like an AI a few test cycles away from getting it just right. Still he appears totally comfortable with passing as human. The only thing he can’t disguise are his reptilian eyes, golden with slitted pupils. It’s off putting at first, but he seems to be aware of it and hides them behind expensive sunglasses.)

_ [Your friends are pretty interesting, they’re good documentary subjects.] _

CROWLEY: That’s a nice way of saying they’re weird as hell. Have they tried to make any bets with you yet?

_ [No, not yet.] _

CROWLEY: Good, don’t take them. It will only lead to trouble. Now why’dja want  _ me _ on camera?

_ [Well you are a real life demon living in England, and you did contact us about them, thanks again for that by the way] _

(CROWLEY nods)

_ [We just thought you might want some of the spotlight yourself.] _

CROWLEY: Nah, I mean. It’s only fair if I’m in it too. But I don’t need any more attention. I’m a retired demon, I’m just a low-grade nuisance now.

_ [Can demons retire?] _

CROWLEY: I did, I don’t care what the rest of them say. I just want to sit around at home, read books, go out to eat and maybe glue some coins to the sidewalk once in a while.

_ [Sit at home with your boyfriend?] _

CROWLEY: Now who told you about him?

_ [We’re not sure if we should say. But they didn’t seem to like him.] _

CROWLEY: Of course they don’t. (He pauses to mull something over) He’s an angel.

_ [You’re dating an angel?] _

CROWLEY: For abouts the last 6,000 years I suppose. We don’t always agree on the timing of it.

_ [Talk about a long term relationship. You must really like him.] _

CROWLEY: (very sincerely) I do.

_ [Will we get to meet him?] _

CROWLEY: If you play your cards right, maybe. Now do you want to get some good footage?

_ [Uh, yes?] _

CROWLEY: Great, I’ll pop over to the Manor tomorrow and make sure you guys get a real show.

_ [Should we be worried?] _

CROWLEY: I dunno, what’s your movie going to be rated? (He tips his sunglasses down to look over the rims and gives the camera a wicked smile. We are, honestly worried)

(CUT TO DEMON MANOR: THE LIVING ROOM. There is LOUD music, and a bunch of demons dancing very badly. Very very badly. Indescribably badly. The only one with a vague sense of rhythm is CROWLEY. He’s aware of this.)

(CUT TO CROWLEY and BEELZEBUB. Since neither of them seem to be able to sit properly on things they’re both draped weirdly on the couch. They’re very sibling-like in their comfort with one another.)

CROWLEY: Demons have a much better taste in music than angels, just because they listen to a wider variety of things. Generally angels limit themselves based on whatever holy criteria they pull out of their ass.

BEELZEBUB: We did have a talk once about Alice Cooper though.

CROWLEY: What’s wrong with Alice Cooper?

BEELZEBUB: Well he’s born-again inn’t he?

CROWLEY: Is he?

BEELZEBUB: Yeah, so we agreed we can like his music but not condone his way of living.

(Crowley sighs)

_ [What other kind of music do you guys like?] _

(From here it alternates shots of More Very Bad Dancing to Very Loud Music, and the demons all jammed {they might not like if we call it “cuddled”} onto the couch together despite other places to sit, listing other music they enjoy.

THE DEMONS: (overlapping one another) Marilyn Manson, Meatloaf, Otep, Party Cannon, Passenger of Shit, Skindred, Robert Johnson, Polkadot Cadaver, Queen, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Rammstein, Nyango Star, Jimmy Page, Westley Willis, Johnny Cash, Overthrust, Ghost, Joan Jett, Talkshow Boy, Ozzy Ozbourne, Compressorhead, Hatebeak, clipping. Insane Clown Posse.

(CUT BACK TO CROWLEY)

CROWLEY: Okay, look I know not all of those are particularly good. They can’t all be  _ Cold Slither _ , but I’ll give them an A for effort. The music and the demons.

(CUT TO: THE LIVING ROOM, dimly lit, much quieter. BEELZEBUB is slouched in an armchair. A few fingers of liquor in a glass, something soft and classical playing. Their eyes are closed, they are more relaxed than we’ve seen them before. It’s a few seconds of stillness before they raise a hand, make a cut motion and the camera goes out.)

(CUT TO A.Z. FELL & CO BOOKSHOP: AZIRAPHALE'S bookshop is cluttered and hard to navigate. It feels like that's on purpose. AZIRAPHALE himself is chubby, middle-aged and white blond, he exudes a mischievous charm. He beams at the camera and the room actually gets brighter.)

_ [Thank you so much for agreeing to be on camera. Let us know if at any point you feel uncomfortable. We can stop and talk it over.] _

AZIRAPHALE: Oh don't worry about me. I'm quite grateful you're here actually. I've been asking Crowley Dear to meet his friends since they moved up, and he’s been putting it off. Funny it's taken a television crew to make him finally agree.

(CUT TO CROWLEY)

CROWLEY: Right. When this all goes tits up, I'm coming for you. (Somehow this is the most threatening a demon has been so far.)

(CUT TO DEMON MANOR, LIVING ROOM. AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY are sitting on the couch. HASTUR, and LIGUR stand behind BEELZEBUB who is slouched in their favorite armchair. DAGON is standing to their right. They’re all serious looking, regal even. BEELZEBUB has added a red sash and multiple pieces of jewelry to their usual shirt and coat. Everybody is silent until finally BEELZEBUB speaks breaking the tension.)

BEELZEBUB: Demon Manor was  _ intended _ to be an  _ angel free residence _ . But it seems I’ve been overruled. Let it be known this is a trial period Principality Aziraphale. Your visiting rights can be revoked at any time for any reason. Understood?

AZIRAPHALE: I understand, thank you.

CROWLEY: Hey now- (He starts, BEELZEBUB opens their mouth to cut him off, but AZIRAPHALE beats them to the punch.)

AZIRAPHALE: Hush now Love, it’s only fair. I’m a  _ guest _ , this is  _ their house _ . (CROWLEY has no choice but to agree, BEELZEBUB raises their eyebrows at the interaction.)

(MONTAGE of THE DEMONS doing their very damndest to startle or fluster AZIRAPHALE. Who for his part remains unperturbed. They leap out from behind things, make lewd jokes, become increasingly less human looking, and he does not so much as bat an eye. THE DEMONS lose interest in pestering him fairly quickly and curiosity sets in.

(CUT TO DAGON in her room)

DAGON: Can I say something?

_ [Sure, go ahead.] _

DAGON: Don't tell the others now. (She pauses. Visible in her room now is a large fish tank with a number of tropical fish,and her bookshelf looks a little fuller) I like Aziraphale. He helped me file about three hours worth of paperwork. Took us half the time. Never complained once. In fact, I think he enjoyed it.

(Cut to HASTUR and LIGUR, back in the basement. It's been better organized. The small plastic pool is now a much larger inflatable one. There are a few tanks of various feeder bugs. A lawn chair is in one corner under a sunlamp. In the other an actual bed with a humidifier humming nearby. The pair sit with somewhat guilty looks.)

HASTUR: We like Aziraphale.

LIGUR: We do. Mmmhm. Crowley should have brought him 'round earlier!

HASTUR: More fun than any angel I’ve ever met.

LIGUR: We’ve had to work with Michael, ugh (he gives a shake) she wouldn’t know fun if it bit her on the ass. (It takes a second but HASTUR finds something about that unusually funny. LIGUR catches on a few moments later and starts laughing at his own comment too. We’re sure we’re missing something)

(CUT TO AZIRAPHALE)

_ [You've gone through an awful lot of trouble to get them all to like you. Is there some ulterior motive?] _

AZIRAPHALE: Now what would make you think that? (He glances around, and gives a sly grin.) Happy, well cared for demons are much less inclined to make trouble. (While he talks; a montage.) Demons, like humans and angels, are individuals. It's just a matter of discovering what they like. I simply made some educated guesses based on their ah, animal familiars.

(AZIRAPHALE reading books on reptile and amphibian care. AZIRAPHALE at the fish market. AZIRAPHALE and DAGON at a pet store looking at the fish tanks. AZIRAPHALE taking cookies out of the oven near a very wary looking BEELZEBUB. AZIRAPHALE frosting a cake near a wary BEELZEBUB. AZIRAPHALE and a bowl of strawberries near BEELZEBUB. BEELZEBUB raises a hand and plucks a canister of whipped cream out of thin air. AZIRAPHALE smiles and slides the bowl a little closer.)

AZIRAPHALE: Anybody can be won over with patience and dedication. Even the most powerful of demons is a being with wants and needs. You just have to figure out how to meet them. (He beams again, lighting up the room. Camera zooms out to reveal BEELZEBUB asleep on the couch wrapped in an electric blanket. Head nearly touching AZIRAPHALE'S leg.) It's harder to get them to accept they deserve it.

(CUT TO CROWLEY in the foreground, behind him BEELZEBUB is watching AZIRAPHALE tell some story. Between them is a package of cookies. BEELZEBUB is nibbling one, clearly more interested in watching AZIRAPHALE eat the cookies than whatever he is saying.)

CROWLEY: (face indecipherable) This is the worst possible thing.

_ [what is?] _

CROWLEY:  _ They love him _ . Aziraphale doesn't get on well with other angels. So I've been doing my best to keep him away from any other demon.

_ [Why's that?] _

CROWLEY: I don't want to share. (He turns and notices what’s been going on behind him)  **OI** ! (He snaps at BEELZEBUB startling them slightly, they scoot away from AZIRAPHALE looking a little guilty. AZIRAPHALE himself is clearly confused.)

(CUT TO: BEELZEBUB’S ROOM: Still a vague resemblance to a bedroom, but a better one. Now the bed has a frame, and there are a couple more mismatched mannequin bits to go with the hands. The desk has been replaced with a longer one and the small creature boxes are now nicer tanks. We can see the hissing cockroach from earlier has a few friends. It’s hard to tell what’s in the other tanks. Out on the table now is a tarantula. BEELZEBUB watches it fondly.)

BEELZEBUB: (Without looking at the camera) Alright fine, he can stay. But after that no  _ other  _ angels.

(CUT TO A NEW DAY IN DEMON MANOR: BEELZEBUB has been shouting about something for the past few minutes.)

BEELZEBUB: (Shouts, their voice has a deep buzzing echo.) Alright! It's Wingsday azzholes! Get 'em out! Let's go! (BEELZEBUB now conversational, over montage of shots of the demons in states of modest undress cleaning their wings and helping one another with theirs) Once every couple of months I make everybody preen their wings. For the most part demons keep ‘em clean on their own. Can't say for sure why, but we do. It's something nice we have I guess. Something we got to keep. (BEELZEBUB trails off and looks away from the camera.)

(CUT TO: THE FOUR OF THEM, wings out giving them one last look over.)

_ [They're all birds?] _

LIGUR: Didn't expect that did you? Thought they'd all be scaly or leathery?

HASTUR: Or all black right?

BEELZEBUB: (From off camera)  **_Crow_ ** ley got the black ones, of course.

_ [We did actually. What kind of birds are they?] _

LIGUR: (turns to show his off, obviously proud. His chameleon -and eyes- turn blue) Peacock! And right handsome! (the black and white speckled feathers at their bases connect across his back and actually spread a little further down.)

HASTUR: Braggart!

LIGUR: They worked on you didn't they! (he gently ruffles HASTUR with a wing tip)

HASTUR: (He swats LIGUR a little) I've got Mallard duck. I guess I'd like to sit in puddles either way? You'll want to stand back for Dagon's.

DAGON: (Has absolutely stunningly huge mostly white wings.) Wan'dring Albatross. Largest wingspan of any living bird. Can hardly take them out in hell. I'm always knocking something over. (She's just barely avoiding objects in the living room with only one fully extended.)

(PAN TO: BEELZEBUB still sitting on the floor, shirtless and completely blank chested. They somewhat reluctantly open their wings.)

BEELZEBUB: Mourning Dove.

(CUT TO: A FEW HOURS LATER: everyone has convened in the living room. They all look rather nice and the most human passing we've ever seen. HASTUR is in a clean only somewhat crumpled shirt with all it's buttons. He’s at least run his fingers through his hair a little. LIGUR is in a v-neck t-shirt, his eyes green, but his chameleon is nowhere to be seen. DAGON has a cable knit sweater, her scales and large pointed teeth hidden. She’s braided her hair. BEELZEBUB has seemingly only fixed their hair into something neater, still favoring their dress shirt and blazer.

(CUT TO: A LOCAL PUB.)

DAGON: Wingsday tradition. We get smashed. (She raises a pint)

(CUT TO: HASTUR and LIGUR at the beginning stages of very drunk, they're giggling and leaning on each other in affection as much as for support. They overlap one another in their explanations.)

HASTUR: We love -

LIGUR: We love ... coming

HASTUR: Coming to the pub.

LIGUR: -to the pub

HASTUR: We play some cards, win a soul or two

LIGUR: It's funny to watch those two try and fit in. We always spent more time up here than they did. (Points to DAGON at the counter, and BEELZEBUB nearby fiddling with some darts.)

HASTUR: Ligur is good at cards, doesn't even cheat, He's - he's- he's just clever like that. Good with numbers.

LIGUR: Somebody always tries to buy Dagon a drink. She's all put together until somebody bats their eyes at her and she goes to pieces.

DAGON: (Drunk, but not as drunk as the gruesome twosome visible in the background engaged in a game of cards with a handful of other pub goers) What did they say about me?

_ [That you get a little shy if somebody is interested in you.] _

DAGON: I do not! (She scowls and refuses to keep talking for the time being)

(CUT TO BEELZEBUB, alone and sullen at a table. Still fiddling with the darts. At a glance it's hard to tell if they've even had anything to drink. It's apparent when they open their mouth.)

BEELZEBUB: Nobody wantzzz to play dartzz with me anymore.

_ [Why is that?] _

BEELZEBUB: I dunno. I'm the bezzzzt archer in hell, heaven too prob'ly. Sure hand, keen eye. (They take in the dartboard several feet away. They throw a dart. Not even close. They're unconcerned.) 'M not even cheatin'.

_ [Yeah it's a mystery why nobody wants to play with you.] _

(Here a crew member makes a mistake. They offer to play a few rounds of darts with BEELZEBUB. They are soundly defeated. You can guess what the stakes were...)

BEELZEBUB: (Proud and a just a touch frightening) Nobody here will play dartzzz with me anymore. (in imitation of someone) Oh don't bother with that lil devil. (They laugh) Don't worry hellzzz not so bad. Pr'vided you weren't a real shitheel. There'zz not much punishment. It's just not heaven, that's all.

(CUT TO A FEW HOURS LATER: HASTUR and LIGUR alone at their table still happily playing cards. BEELZEBUB is head down on a bar stool next to DAGON. There is an untouched drink in front of DAGON.)

DAGON: (a little melancholy) I did it again. Froze up. They’re right. Not like I’m going to take them home or anything. But It’s nice to be wanted.

(CUT TO: FOUR DEMONS walking home from the pub. LIGUR and HASTUR holding hands and singing something loudly and off key in a language nobody on the crew can place. DAGON has BEELZEBUB piggy back. DAGON doesn't seem particularly bothered, or even drunk anymore.)

(CUT TO: DEMON MANOR. H&L Happily in bed, a half asleep mess of limbs, still in their nicer clothes but their critters visible again. Upstairs DAGON attempts to separate herself from BEELZEBUB to get them in bed. It becomes apparent this is made more difficult by a second set of arms BEELZEBUB has manifested.)

BEELZEBUB: (Mumbling and slurring, this is the best we could put together) You're my bezt friend Dagon. My bezzzt friend. You didn't have to do that for me. You could have turned me in. Now you're up here and itzz my fault. I'm zzzorry.

DAGON: You're alright you silly thing. I'm not a snitch. Go to sleep, sober up in the morning. Aziraphale said he was going to come over and make pancakes.

BEELZEBUB: (In bed fussing with their blankets almost like a small child.) Hey! No angelzz allowed! But pancake angels are okay. Maybe one angel. Maybe  _ two _ angelzzz.

DAGON: Alright, count 'em in your sleep then. Jumping over a hedge. (She leaves BEELZEBUB dozing, and passes the camera to get to her own room. She gives it a look before closing her door.)

(CUT TO: The morning. AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY have arrived. They're comfortable in the living room waiting for BEELZEBUB to wake up so they can make brunch. DAGON and AZIRAPHALE play chess. CROWLEY appears to be doing a crossword puzzle in the paper. H&L are watching something on the tablet again. A door opens upstairs, heavy footsteps downwards. This gets DAGON's attention, something is off. AZIRAPHALE notices too, they both watch the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. A MAN in an undershirt and sweatpants walks past, and into the kitchen. DAGON and AZIRAPHALE are the only two to notice. They exchange two very different surprised looks. Neither seem to know what to do.)

(CUT TO THE MAN: the MAN is tall, sturdy, and a handsome disheveled. He seems very startled by the camera.)

THE MAN: Oh, ah, Hello?

( CUT TO: THE MAN again, now put back together looks like he could be the villain of a Christmas movie for children. A far cry from before.)

_ [Thank you for being on camera, would you care to introduce yourself?] _

THE MAN: Certainly. My name's Gabriel.

_ [Are you a demon as well Gabriel?] _

GABRIEL: Of course not! I'm an angel. (He smiles, it does not have the same brightening effect as when AZIRAPHALE smiles. Also of note, GABRIEL has an American accent.)

_ [Gabriel? THE angel Gabriel?] _

GABRIEL: The one and only Archangel Gabriel.

(CUT TO: AZIRAPHALE)

AZIRAPHALE: I don't care for Gabriel.

(CUT TO: THE DEMONS, CROWLEY included. HASTUR, LIGUR, and DAGON exchange loaded looks but are silent. CROWLEY voices his opinion.)

CROWLEY: I hate that twat.

(CUT BACK TO GABRIEL)

_ [So what brings the Archangel Gabriel to a house full of demons in the English countryside?] _

GABRIEL: Well if you must know, a close personal friend asked for my company. And I was happy to oblige.

_ [You’re good friends with a demon?] _

GABRIEL: Of course. You have to know about Aziraphale and Crowley by now right? It’s not so strange.

_ [No, not really. But most of the demons didn’t seem to notice you were here?] _

OFF SCREEN: Shit!

(Camera whip pans to the doorway, BEELZEBUB in a grey sweatshirt several times too large for them. They raise a hand and cut the camera. It takes inconveniently long for us to replace it with one from the van. We miss the ensuing argument. Everything but the tail end. At least it seems to have blown over quickly.)

GABRIEL: You mean to tell me he put you on glorified time out for seeing an angel? That hypocrite!

BEELZEBUB: Not an angel, YOU. He's mad it was YOU.

GABRIEL: That's ridiculous! Look, I'll talk to him.

BEELZEBUB: (very quietly) please don't

(GABRIEL fishes a cell phone out of his pocket, dials a number and waits. AZIRAPHALE and the demons -who have now gathered in the kitchen-, save for BEELZEBUB exchange worried looks. From the back yard a deep rumbling and an overwhelming smoke smell. Then silence, stillness, then the backdoor swings open. Another male figure. We can only guess who this is. LUCIFER. He's average build, square jawed and rakishly handsome. He's dressed casually in a dark red sweater and tight jeans. He absolutely oozes charm. He smiles and it DOES light up the area around him.)

(Overheard from one crew member to another [  _ Is that John Bar-  _ ] they are cut off)

LUCIFER: Hi everybody, what an occasion. I just want to say I'm not here to make anybody but Gabriel miserable, so you can all relax. CROWLEY! It's been ages! You look great! (LUCIFER -who also has an American accent- hugs CROWLEY who genuinely looks pleased to be hugged. In the background GABRIEL is on the phone again.) How are you old friend?

CROWLEY: Oh, you know, keeping busy.

LUCIFER: (Hugs him again) Thanks for keeping a friendly eye on these guys. Hey speaking of friendly eyes, is this your angel? He's cute, he's very cute. (LUCIFER takes and kisses AZIRAPHALE'S hand CROWLEY stiffens.) Oh relax Crowley, you know there's only one angel for me.

(WIth a mighty gust of wind, and very much on cue another angel - MICHAEL, we learn - is present. She's stern looking with the overwhelming air of a cruel boarding school headmistress.)

MICHAEL: Honestly Gabriel I don't see why I have to come down here to help you... (Upon seeing LUCIFER she stops short)

LUCIFER:  _ Darling _ .

MICHAEL: Mr. Morningstar.

LUCIFER: Don't Mr. Morningstar me please Baby. You know I'm still crazy about you, it's been that way since the beginning. (She doesn’t react) I miss you Angelface, and I know you miss me too.

MICHAEL: I’m certain I have no idea what you’re talking about.

LUCIFER: It’s been millennia Honey you can’t still be mad?

MICHAEL: Well you obviously don’t know me as well as you think you do because I can and I am.

(BEELZEBUB from out of view of the pair gets the camera’s focus and nods their head in the direction of the door.)

(CUT TO: THE OUTDOOR SEATING AREA of a local tea shop/bakery. GABRIEL is amicably sitting amongst the demons and AZIRAPHALE. The demons seem comfortable enough to imply they’ve all been here before. They’ve made less of an effort to disguise themselves, they’ve just toned it down a little. They munch baked goods and sip their tea in not necessarily awkward silence. There is an odd sort of ethereal chiming noise and AZIRAPHALE and GABRIEL look up expectantly. Two more figures appear. GABRIEL looks guilty, AZIRAPHALE annoyed.)

(CUT TO AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY.)

AZIRAPHALE: Just what we needed, more angels. I suppose the other two have come down to see what the fuss is about.

_ [You don't seem to be happy about this?] _

AZIRAPHALE: All together the Archangels are a trifle, hm, stiff for my tastes.

CROWLEY: Gabriel is an airheaded idiot, Michael is a frigid bitch. Sandalphon is a grade A creep and Uriel... You know what I actually think Uriel is okay.

AZIRAPHALE: Yes without the peer pressure so to speak, Uriel is quite reasonable. I don't mind her as much I suppose.

( CUT BACK TO THE TEA SHOP: The arrival of the angels brought a shouting match. It's hard to tell exactly who is shouting at whom, but it summons the tea shop proprietor. A YOUNG WOMAN in a plaid skirt and ruffled blouse.)

YOUNG WOMAN: (As she shouts above them she waves a hefty book in the air) HEY! HEY! This is NEUTRAL GROUND! I do NOT care whose side you're on if you fight in my tea shop I WILL send you back to wherever you came from! (This manages to get everybody's attention and the assembled beings stop their fight abruptly.)

(CUT TO: THE TEA SHOP OWNER, ANATHEMA. She's bright and animated, talking a lot with her hands. We’d also go so far as to use the word  _ owlish _ behind her large round glasses. Behind her several feet is NEWTON. He's got the build of that stage between puppy and full grown dog where their limbs don't look quite right, but it's generally endearing. Together they look like side characters from a movie about teenage wizards.)

_ [He can get closer, it's alright?] _

ANATHEMA: Oh, no, he's uh, he's not very good with technology.

_ [He doesn't have to operate the camera?] _

ANATHEMA: And he doesn't need to be operating the camera to damage it. He's uniquely talented that way. (Behind her, NEWTON nods.)

NEWTON: It's safer if I'm back here a bit. Maybe I'll just go help the others clean up. You know, make sure they're still behaving. (He leaves the shot.)

_ [You came off strong back there, that's pretty brave considering who you were shouting at] _

ANATHEMA: Oh, I'm not scared of any of them. After we helped stop the end of the world Crowley and Aziraphale made sure we would be able to protect ourselves if otherworldly agents came knocking. But we haven’t really had to. The demons don’t seem hell-bent on bothering us. They just come by to get sweets sometimes. That and I think Dagon likes her peace and quiet.

_ [You helped stop the end of the world?] _

ANATHEMA: It's a very long story.

_ [We’ll save that for another time then, You've got a cute little shop, have you had it long?] _

ANATHEMA: Oh! No! only a few years now. After the whole world not actually ending thing Newt and I realized we needed to do something with our lives. And luckily for us ovens and tea kettles aren't too technological for him. And even luckier he turned out to be a really good baker! I handle most of the tea making.

(CUT TO: NEWT a little closer to the camera this time.)

_ [Have you and Anathema been together long?] _

NEWT: Four years now. We met during that whole end of the world thing you know.

_ [We’re just learning about now.] _

NEWT: Well it’s a very long story. Even only being there for parts of it.

_ [What was your part?] _

NEWT: (Pauses to think, opening and closing his mouth a few times like he was trying to figure out where to begin.) Okay, to cut to the chase. Anathema’s great great great something grandmother Agnes Nutter was a witch who predicted the events leading up to the end of the world. Her family has spent all their lives trying to figure out all her prophecies. In the end it came down to Annie to do the dirty work. Agnes predicted we’d meet and between the two of us play our parts to stop it all.

_ [That’s a lot of pressure!] _

NEWT: Tell me about it! She did nothing but prepare for it her whole life! That’s not at all fair!

_ [But now she can do whatever she wants right?] _

NEWT: Right! She doesn’t even have to keep me around anymore if she doesn’t want. But I’m glad she does. (He blushes.) I’ve done nothing at all with my life so I’ll keep doing whatever she wants.

_ [Does your family have a history with witchcraft too?] _

NEWT: You could say that. Uh. My great whatever grandfather burned Agnes at the stake.

_ [interviewer laughs and catches themself] _

NEWT: Oh, no, you can laugh. I think it’s a nice middle finger to him we’re together now.

(BACK OUTSIDE: FOUR TEENAGERS have arrived by bike accompanied by a little dog. Three boys and a girl. One of the boys makes a B-line for ANATHEMA. His friends head towards the others at the tables. The girl seems highly critical of the angels, but it’s unclear if she is aware of who she is giving the third degree. The scruffier of the two boys seems at least somewhat familiar with H&L, enough so that they can carry on a conversation. The miniature accountant has the table with GABRIEL and BEELZEBUB covered.)

(The ringleader of the crew ADAM, agrees to be on camera. He’s kind of spooky, but not in an uncomfortable way. He’s one of those people who can see right into you, but he appears to be a happy, well adjusted, gentle young man.)

_ [Hi Adam, thanks for being on camera. You guys sure picked an interesting time to show up.] _

ADAM: That wasn’t an accident, I sort of felt something was up.

_ [Oh, oh, Are you supernatural too?] _

ADAM: I am, I guess. But I don’t really like to talk about it.

_ [Alright, that’s fair. So you guys came down to check out what was going on?] _

ADAM: Yeah, I got a little worried. The feeling was really strong, I mean, I know Anathema would be okay, but I wanted to make sure. And we were kind of curious. I’m not used to feeling angels. Well, aside from Aziraphale.

_ [Does he come to visit often?] _

ADAM: Sure, he and Crowley come round sometimes.

_ [Are your parents okay with that?] _

ADAM: (with a smile) Oh, no they’re old family friends. Mum ‘n’ Dadd’ive known them since before I was born.

_ [Really?] _

ADAM: Sure, (He grins) just like everybody knows there are demons living in the house down the road, but if we don’t bother them they don’t bother us.

_ [Between you and Anathema we’re beginning to see why Crowley set them up in Tadfield.] _

ADAM: Anathema’s great, she’s a real witch you know. And sometimes she lets me write the day’s specials on the chalkboard! I’m trying to learn how to make it fancy, but it takes a lot of practice.

(CUT TO ANATHEMA)

ANATHEMA: I really like Adam, I like all of Them. But Adam is special. I don’t have any siblings, so I suppose he might be like the little brother I never had.

(CUT TO CROWLEY)

CROWLEY: I love kids, fantastic little chaotic monsters. Can't get enough of them. Can't have my own, that's probably for the best. I nannied for a while, and he’s doing quite alright for himself these days. But if I could have kids I'd want at least one to be like Anathema. She’s absolutely mad and I completely adore her. The Kids? Them? They fought off the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I couldn’t possibly be prouder.

(CUT TO: URIEL and SANDALPHON the other two angels are warily sitting at a table with a small plate of cookies. THE TEENAGE GIRL looks from the angels to the cookies and back again. Not saying a word. They get the point each taking one from the plate. They take a bite and chew, their expressions change. The cookies are clearly good, the pair visibly relax a little. Maybe this isn’t so bad. The TEENAGE GIRL seems satisfied by this and decides to leave them be in favor of talking to CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE.)

(CUT TO the four angels, they have good posture and high heads. They stand evenly spaced from one another, not too close, not too far away. Unlike the demons they clearly have a concept of personal space. MICHAEL and URIEL the female presenting angels have visible gold markings on their faces. SANDALPHON has a gold cross set in the front of his teeth.  _ {Now knowing this we wonder where GABRIEL and AZIRAPHALE have their gold details. Maybe we’ll ask.} _ The four of them  _ are _ beautiful, but in a very sterile kind of way.)

_ [ We’ve got to see all the demon’s wings, that was pretty neat. Do your wings work the same way? Are they all birds?] _

(The angel’s expressions range from confused to embarrassed finally URIEL steps forwards. She looks at the others and shakes her head.)

URIEL: Ours work that way too. They don’t always look like what you see in Renaissance art. (She opens a neat set of black wings with a thick yellow stripe running shoulder to tip through the middle of the feathers.) Humans get all these ideas in their heads about things and sometimes it’s just easiest to live up to expectations Show them white fluffy ones. Mine are European Gold Finch. Pretty little birds.

SANDALPHON: Well, mine really wouldn’t be what you’d expect from an angel I suppose. (His wings are an iridescent black, the backs have a noticeable blue shine.) Bronzed Cowbird, not really a fancy name. But the shine is nice. I uh, haven’t really seen to them in a while. So they’re a little out of sorts.

(From here MICHAEL and GABRIEL look at one another, neither appears eager to go next.)

MICHAEL: You can -

GABRIEL: Oh no I insist, you can go ahead.

MICHAEL: Oh, alright. I’ll go then. Shrike, Loggerhead Shrike. Unique little creatures. (MICHAEL’S wings are largely black and dark grey with a bit of white towards the tip.)

_ [ Your turn then Gabriel, everybody else has been fine. We’d like to see yours too.] _

(The Archangel Gabriel, heaven’s poster boy, opens his wings. They’re soft grey matching his coat. The inside tops are pink, like his tie. Overall it’s very coordinated, and looks nice. We’re not sure why he seems so embarrassed. He does not volunteer the type of bird.)

MICHAEL: Galah Cockatoo, (She leans in) you can keep them as pets.

(CUT TO GABRIEL he looks more than a little embarrassed.)

_ [We looked into the other birds a little and not all of them have good reputations. People like cockatoo, they’re approachable. ] _

GABRIEL: You think? Oh, approachable is nice. Maybe that’s not so bad then. Uriel is right, humans sort of expect certain things when they hear ‘angel’ and they think dove or swan, Aziraphale got swan, lucky bastard. There’s ah, a lot of pressure. Or there was a lot of pressure before the whole Not-apocalypse. We’re learning to unlearn a lot of things. Maybe it’s good we’ve all met each other again like this.

(CUT TO CROWLEY lounging at the tea shop.)

_ [So Crowley, Is there any particular reason you recommended Tadfield of all places, to the other demons?] _

CROWLEY: (He shrugs and flounders a little for an explanation.) It’s a nice little village, out of the way?

_ [It has nothing to do with the pleasant young witch, or supernatural teenage boy who could keep an eye on them or stop them in case they got out of hand?] _

CROWLEY: Clever aren’t you? Yeah, you got me. It’s not like I thought they’d burn the place down. But it’s nice to have a backup plan or two. And Tadfield is used to a little bit of weirdness now and then. (He pauses, sips his tea.) Well, since you’ve met Anathema and Adam do you want to meet the others? They’re not in Tadfield, but they’re close enough.

_ [There are more?] _

CROWLEY: (Nods) Fancy a drive?

(CUT TO A LIVING ROOM: oddly decorated enough to rival Demon Manor. An older couple sits on a comfortably battered couch. The woman, who’s asked to go by MADAME TRACY comes off immediately as bubbly and eccentric. Beside her the grizzled old man who introduced himself as just SHADWELL comes off as quite eccentric as well. But the kind of eccentric that would have mothers scooting their children away from him.)

_ [Crowley tells us you helped stop the end of the world?] _

MADAME TRACY: Isn’t he a love? We were just there as backup! Aziraphale had gotten discorporated you see, and I had been conducting a seance shortly after. I was the vessel to help get him to the airbase!

_ [I see. We’re still learning about this whole end of the world not happening thing.] _

MADAME TRACY: There was an awful lot going on! We had to be told the rest of it after the fact. Didn’t we Mr. Shadwell?

SHADWELL: Hm.

MADAME TRACY: Be nice for the camera now would you? Sorry, he forgets his manners sometimes.

(CUT TO CROWLEY and MADAME TRACY. CROWLEY is drawing something intricate on a large swatch of cloth. MADAME TRACY watches. It’s eventually recognizable as a summoning circle. We can see where this is going.)

CROWLEY (Rubs his hands, and as he does any paint spots disappear) Right, so then the summons. (He makes a plucking gesture upwards and a bundle of fabric is in his hands. He unrolls one.) This’s me. You can practice with me if you want but give me a ring first so I can be ready for it. For now let's try this one. (He unrolls another.)

(CUTS OF CROWLEY walking MADAME TRACY through the summoning process. She completes it and the circle is filled with white light, it fades to reveal a confused AZIRAPHALE.)

AZIRAPHALE: Oh! Ah? Hello! (He catches on to what happened.) Oh Dear Boy what what have you done?

(CROWLEY laughs.)

AZIRAPHALE: Well, in for a penny in for a pound. (He makes a pulling motion downwards and procures his own bundle of fabric.) I don’t exactly recommend summoning any angels unless it's an emergency. They can get a little testy. That being said, you can summon me to practice if you’d like.

CROWLEY: Should we practice a little more? (He winks at AZIRAPHALE who seems to know where this is going.)

(MADAME TRACY successfully summons BEELZEBUB next, who looks downright sinister until they notice A&C then they just look annoyed. SHADWELL has perked up.)

SHADWELL: You! Wee beastie! I remember ye from the airfield! Something’s not right with ye I know it! Tell me, (He gets very close to the summoning circle, but not inside it)

MADAME TRACY: Ooh, here we go again.

SHADWELL: How many nipples ye got?

(BEELZEBUB takes a second to consider his question, tipping their head a little in thought, before pulling up their shirt to reveal none at all. This is absolutely not what SHADWELL was expecting. His confused silence makes BEELZEBUB laugh, which startles just about everybody. They step out of the circle, motion for the fabric bundles until they find the one they want. They remove their sigil and lay the new one down in the center.)

BEELZEBUB: He always seemed suspicious to me, better check him out.

(Unsurprisingly, they summon GABRIEL, who looks downright baffled. SHADWELL is ready with his question.)

SHADWELL: You! That’s right. I know you too. Tell me fiend, how many nipples do you have?

(GABRIEL looks more confused than before. He looks to the other supernatural beings in support. AZIRAPHALE subtly holds up three fingers out of SHADWELL’S line of sight.)

GABRIEL: Three?

(Chaos ensues. SHADWELL makes a move for him shouting about witches. GABRIEL doesn’t seem to remember he can just remove himself from the situation. Eventually the chase ends when somebody, probably AZIRAPHALE freezes SHADWELL in his tracks.)

(CUT TO: EVERYBODY sitting nicely with tea and cookies. BEELZEBUB occasionally giggling at the whole situation.)

(CUT TO: BEELZEBUB and GABRIEL. GABRIEL is sitting comfortably on the couch in Demon Manor, arm around the back. BEELZEBUB is not quite tucked into his side, but they aren't far away either.)

_ [Are gold markings common in angels?] _

GABRIEL: We all have them somewhere. Mine just aren’t on my face.

_ [Can we see?] _

(He looks a little nervous.)

_ [They’re not anywhere in appropriate are they?] _

GABRIEL: Oh, no, of course not. I would have to undress a little though and I’m not used to that with an audience.

(Cut to AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY.)

AZIRAPHALE: My golden markings? oh dear ah... (for the first time he flushes. CROWLEY loves this.)

CROWLEY: They finally got you eh? I knew something would eventually. I can tell ‘em. Save you the embarrassment. (AZIRAPHALE nods.) The insides of his thighs, like stretch marks. (CROWLEY slouches and spreads his legs, deliberately suggestive. AZIRAPHALE blushes even more) You won’t be getting to see them though, this isn’t that kind of movie.

(Cut back to BEELZEBUB and GABRIEL. GABRIEL has removed his coat, his waistcoat, and his tie. BEELZEBUB is holding all of it, tie draped around their neck, looking impatient. He unbuttons his dress shirt in no rush. At this point he might just be trying to piss BEELZEBUB off, and it’s working. They sigh and roll their eyes. At last he removes his shirt. There is a white undershirt under it, he holds his arms out revealing he doesn’t need to remove the undershirt to show off his markings. There are broad, brush-stroke-like stripes of gold one each down the insides of his ams.)

GABRIEL: There now, may I have my clothing back?

BEELZEBUB: No.

(GABRIEL sighs)

GABRIEL: Fine. (He leans back against the couch resting both arms along the back this time. Gold marks still on display.

_ [Okay, moving on I guess, If you wouldn't mind. We'd like to ask how this whole clandestine affair got started?] _

BEELZEBUB: It all started when the apocalypse failed.

_ [That seems to be the popular catalyst.] _

GABRIEL: It didn't happen right away. At first we just got together to fight about it.

BEELZEBUB: Then we commiserated...and drank.

GABRIEL: (Very proud) I learned how to hold my liquor.

BEELZEBUB: You learned literally  _ how _ to drink, you can’t hold your liquor to keep your halo.

GABRIEL: Then we tried to figure out why exactly the world should stay as it is.

BEELZEBUB: Then we realizzed – (They wince at their lisp and GABRIEL gives their back a little rub. BEELZEBUB allows it with a sigh) - realized we got along.

GABRIEL: And then we realized we sort of  _ liked _ each other.

BEELZEBUB: It’s just been downhill from there. (GABRIEL scoffs at their teasing, and BEELZEBUB bundles his clothing up and guards it further in retaliation.)

_ [If we remember right, that was about four years ago? The world not ending.] _

GABRIEL: Right. But we haven’t really been  _ together _ all that time.

_ [We got that sense, care to tell us why?] _

GABRIEL: I’d kind of like to know myself. (GABRIEL looks pointedly at BEELZEBUB, who sighs again.)

BEELZEBUB: I got caught. I’m still not sure how Lucifer found out. But he wasn’t too happy.

_ [About that, he does seem pretty hypocritical? And nobody seems to mind Aziraphale and Crowley?] _

BEELZEBUB: Right. It’s not exactly forbidden, just frowned upon. He’s mad I was seeing  _ Gabriel. _

(CUT TO LUCIFER)

LUCIFER: My sweet sweet stupid baby brother Gabriel. Have you ever heard the phrase “God’s perfect idot?”

_ [I have.] _

LUCIFER: Well I said it first and I said it about him. Bee could have picked anybody else in heaven or hell and they wound up with Gabriel.

(CUT BACK TO BEELZEBUB)

BEELZEBUB: We got into a bit of a row about it. And he sent me up here to cool off... And when he found out the others were covering for me he sent them up here too. Not permanently. Just until we could talk it out. It might have put me in a bit of a mood. I’ve been avoiding it...

GABRIEL: So that’s why I haven’t heard from you for a few years.

(CUT BACK TO LUCIFER)

LUCIFER: Oh well, the heart wants what the heart wants I guess? Right? (Camera pans out, he’s been holding someone’s hand in his lap. He picks it up and kisses it. Camera pans further. It’s a stone faced but furiously blushing MICHAEL. He kisses up her arm pulling her closer. As he does he begins to grow large curved ram’s horns. We decide it’s best to...)

(CUT BACK TO: GABRIEL and BEELZEBUB, who has still not surrendered his clothing.)

_ [Looks like Lucifer and Michael have worked things out.] _

BEELZEBUB: Great I’m so excited.

GABRIEL: Aren’t you at least a little happy for them?

BEELZEBUB: Thrilled, I just don’t want them thinking they can come here when they want to get to  _ Know _ each other. I really don’t trust this couch after that afternoon.

GABRIEL: (Thinks for a moment and comes to a realization) Wait a second! You mean to tell me they had been (He pauses and then mouths what we assume was ‘having sex.’). Angels and demons can ? (He can’t seem to bring himself to say it, nor can he make any crude hand gestures. BEELZEBUB just looks at him.)

(CUT TO LUCIFER and MICHAEL. LUCIFER has his head in his hands. MICHAEL looks confused and concerned.)

(CUT TO AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY. They look at each other in disbelief until AZIRAPHALE bursts into laughter, CROWLEY starts a moment later and the two of them just laugh as the camera FADES TO BLACK)

  
  


(A TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER)

(HASTUR and LIGUR in clean, casual professional clothing. They’re at the conference center with MARY.)

HASTUR: Got proper jobs we did! We’re night tour guides!

LIGUR: Just one at a time so the other can do the haunting.

HASTUR: Four rounds a night, they fill up fast. We’re booked out for months.

LIGUR:  _ We _ don’t need to sleep, but we agreed we don’t want people to get too suspicious.

HASTUR: Sometimes if we both want to haunt we call up Sandalphon and he gives the tour.

MARY: Everything had been working out so well, I figured why not. People love morbid tourism nowadays and if I may say so my demons are the most reliable you could ask for.

LIGUR: Than you Mary, we do our very best.

_ [We’re very excited to tell you guys, there is a studio interested in the whole story about the world not ending. They’d like to make a TV series out of it! Do you have any requests? We’ll see what we can do for you?] _

(The three of them think for a moment.)

MARY: Can’t say that I do, I’m eager to learn what became of the Antichrist!

_ [Adam? You don’t know him? You’re practically neighbors?] _

MARY: Adam,  _ Adam Young _ ? You mean to tell me – (Mary stops short. Suddenly she’s got a lot on her mind.)

HASTUR: Right, I don’t know. I want to be kind of cool and scary.

_ [We’re pretty sure we can do that for you. Ligur?] _

LIGUR: Hmmm, I want to die a horrible gruesome death. The worst one you can come up with that the BBC will let show. Melt me with holy water or something!

HASTUR: But what am I going to do without you then?

LIGUR: You’ll be fine, you’re going to be cool and scary.

(CUT TO: BEELZEBUB and MADAME TRACY playing Scrabble. BEELZEBUB nodding along with whatever village gossip MADAME TRACY has for them this time. SHADWELL rolls his eyes or scoffs behind his newspaper. Neither Scrabble player pays him any attention.)

(CUT TO ANATHEMA’S TEA SHOP: It’s got a little closed for renovations sign. Inside NEWT and ANATHEMA are nowhere to be found, instead it’s URIEL and DAGON. Both of them are loose and relaxed looking, especially URIEL who is spotted with paint and definitely faintly glowing. She’s on a ladder painting the outlines of flowers on the walls. DAGON who is equally if not more so covered in paint is down below gently filling in her earlier line work.)

DAGON: I’m not sure I’m any good at this. I’m not really patron of the arts you know. (She gestures up the ladder at URIEL.) Demons don’t really make things look nice.

URIEL: It’s alright Minnow you’re doing fine. (DAGON ducks her head in embarrassment at the endearment as URIEL makes her way down the ladder.)

_ [So you two are friends?] _

URIEL: A little more than that by now I think?

DAGON: Aziraphale thought we’d get along. Convinced me to talk to her.

URIEL: We walked around the London Museum for hours.

DAGON: History is different when you’ve lived through it all.

URIEL: I wish I would have spent more time on earth watching it all from up close.

DAGON: Well we have time now don’t we? Where do you want to go?

(URIEL looks at her a little surprised, and smiles.)

(CUT TO CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE)

_ [Thank you again for everything. The studio loved the idea for the show about the world not ending. They’re scouting around for talent now we hear. Anybody you’d like to recommend?) _

CROWLEY: Oh, whots his name. You know? He was The Doctor, can’t recall which one. Didn’t last very long compared to some of the others.

AZIRAPHALE: Smith?

CROWLEY: No, not him. I think he’d almost be better as you anyway. He was before Smith I know that. When the series was revived, that one. OH! He had that run in with those empty children. (He shivers)

AZIRAPHALE: Do you have any idea who’ll be writing it?

_ [We hear they’re courting Neil Gaiman.] _

AZIRAPHALE: Oh! We’ll be in good hands then! I can’t wait to see how we turn out.

(CUT TO: DEMON MANOR: A VERY CROWDED WINGSDAY, furniture has been moved, feathers are everywhere. The angels have been invited, and they clearly need some help. DAGON sits on a couch diligently tending to SANDALPHON who is sitting in front of her on the floor. One of her massive wings, already clean, hangs off the couch into CROWLEY’s lap. He pets it idly while he talks with URIEL. Behind her on the floor AZIRAPHALE is putting her feathers in place. On the other couch HASTUR and LIGUR can’t seem to persuade MICHAEL to get her wings out at all. GABRIEL sits on the footstool to match BEELZUBUB’S favorite chair. BEELZEBUB themself is working through his feathers, GABRIEL looks sleepy and content. Finally, finally everybody, even MICHAEL, is smooth and clean and the second half of Wingsday can begin.)

(CUT TO THE PUB. It’s crowded but the energy is positive. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE are sitting with SHADWELL and MADAME TRACY. HASTUR and LIGUR are at their usual cards table this time joined by SANDALPHON and MARY. Side by side, URIEL draws something out on several napkins for DAGON who watches attentively. At the counter are MICHAEL, LUCIFER, GABRIEL, and BEELZEBUB. MICHAEL still does not seem relaxed, in contrast BEELZEBUB seems more relaxed than usual, perhaps out of spite. GABRIEL says something that makes LUCIFER tip his head back in laughter and he puts his arm over GABRIEL’S shoulders. The door opens, it’s ANATHEMA and NEWT, they go right to the table with AZIRAPHALE, CROWLEY, MADAME TRACY and SHADWELL. ANATHEMA holds out her left hand in excitement, we can guess by the reactions there is an engagement ring on her finger. CROWLEY is up on his feet hugging her tight and kissing her forehead. SHADWELL gets up to clap NEWT on the back.)

(The camera pans to take in the scene again, and stops out of our control on an older woman. She looks weary, like she’s seen a great many things and would just like her moment of relaxation. Strangely she is looking right at the camera. She nods her head, and holds up her pint in a toast before taking a drink. With her other hand she makes the cut gesture, and the camera goes out.)

**Author's Note:**

> All the names the demons list as favorite musicians are real! You can find them all on youtube! But be careful about doing so in public lol...
> 
> Update! We are moving forward making this a podfic! I’m finding more voices that aren’t mine to help! It may take a while but I’ll keep my tumblr updated!
> 
> if you are interested please follow my sideblog on tumblr as [Aetherbunny](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/aetherbunny) of course. Info and updates on that idea would be posted there. But feel free to say hello! or ask questions or perhaps buy me a kof fi if you know what I mean?


End file.
